I wonder if you remember those nights we’d stay up talking until the sun threatened to rise. We’d go to school sleepy eyed and smiley faced. We were goofy together. I recall the summer you went to the UK and I began to feel forgotten and my feelings were on a hiatus and you told your friend you hated me. I remember the first time I told you I loved you because I did and I felt if I didn’t let you know there and then I would implode. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with pure undiluted emotions. I was overflowing with love for you. You would always call me by my full name and the goofy smile of yours that made we want to cry because I enjoyed looking at you.
I remember all these things because everything reminds me of you. Now, I wonder if you think of me; if you still have residual feelings for me. I wonder if you remember those days we lived and loved with careless abandon. I toss and turn each night maybe because I keep waiting for my phone to ring and your caller ID to pop up and you would gush out all your repressed feelings for me. I wonder if you still envision your tomorrow with me in it. I won’t call but I’ll hope. I’ll hope you remember my quirky high pitched laugh that always got curious stares from people. I’ll hope you remember those nights I cried to you on the phone because I was scared to love. I’ll hope you never forget our first kiss. I’ll hope you never forget even in your wildest dreams. I’ll hope one day you’ll look at me and you would think “what if?”. Until I learn to forget you I’ll keep hoping you’ll never forget me.
Song: Total eclipse of the heart – Bonnie Tyler
Like the ocean tide beating against the beach-side rock that was our love. You were undoubtedly the ocean coming in waves whenever you felt like and beating against my weathered exposed self taking more and more out of me with every hit. I gave my everything and got little or nothing in return. I knew I wasn’t getting my fair share out of our doomed love story but loving you was my fatal obsession. I could never leave you and I clung to the notion of you like an alcoholic clings to his final bottle of Jack Daniels. You knew what you meant to me and you explored every facet of it until I laid bare and was reduced to nothing; a mockery of my former self. I was the Mt. Kilimanjaro but when you left I had been reduced to a molehill. You could never really give but I didn’t care much for that. I always knew I was much of a giver but I never knew you would be so sated with that and take all of me. Now I know but I guess it’s too little too late now.
Just like the lyrical definition of The 1975’s Robbers we had a dangerous push and pull effect on each other but it was never balanced. You were stronger, more experienced and you knew what you wanted but I was the opposite of what you were. I should have left at the first sign of unhealthiness, I should have ran as far and fast as my feet could’ve taken me but I stayed. I stayed because I thought you would change, I stayed because I thought that maybe, just maybe I would receive my fair share in the relationship. That maybe there was a way to make it work; to make people understand that ours was a love story written in the stars but all we really were were robbers; you more dangerous than I.
In respect of today’s post: The 1975 – Robbers
Photo credit: Google images.
I used to love the rain. It was such a different weather that most people loathed but I loved. I loved running under and screaming my heart out in it. I was a child in love with the rain and everything it was about until I used it as a metaphor for our love. Now, when it rains I sit on the window ledge and stare out blankly and remember that time you suggested we kissed under the rain because it was oh so romantic. And I remember that rainy day when I found out you were playing pretend with me and my emotions. I quantified my love for you to the number of raindrops on a stormy day and it was shoved right back. I want to love the rain again; I want to have my reckless abandon back but I guess that may never happen. I no longer quantify my love for you to the rain but I quantify it to the way I miss you and all the memories we shared.
I used to love fairy tales because they always promised happily-ever-afters and together forever’s. I guess that was what I mistook what we shared for. Now I’m angry at the idea of fairy tales because they never warn to be careful about kissing the wrong “Prince Charming”; they never warn you that the frog by the pond will always and forever remain a frog whether or not you kiss it smack dab on the lips. They never warn you that Prince Charming has his quirks and is unbelievably imperfect. They just tell you to play the part and expect the best but sometimes we’re too in love with love to know any better. Sometimes, we’re too hasty to commit to make good decisions; and other times we just want a fairytale romance. So I humbly suggest that at the very end of every fairy tale they put the medication for a broken heart because that is what we get when we are sold broken dreams.
Another classic break-up anthem: Broken-Hearted Girl – Beyoncé
Its almost December now and all I can think about are the Decembers before this one. How the previous December I was so sad and depressed when I realized how quickly everything could change and how the December before last you were mine and I was yours.
The images don’t come in flashes but in steady streams. The December after exams and the final week of school we sat entwined on that creaky bench at the back of my class close to the entrance. How you held me and made me feel safe. How we talked about trivial things that interested me even though they had no significance whatever to my life; but I enjoyed talking about them because I was talking about them with you. I remember feeling that oh so familiar flutter when you leaned in and kissed me unexpectedly right there in public view and I was caught unawares but loved it anyway. The way you’d smile at me and make me feel like I was enough. I miss those December days when jealousy was your daily routine; when I enjoyed hanging with my male friends just to see you boil red. I enjoyed being yours. I loved the fact that you were my first and only. I remember that December day when Sasha asked me how I truly felt about you and I told her “You know how you imagine your married life but you don’t see the face of the guy you end up with? When I imagine my future, all I see is his face in it.” I could’ve sworn that I loved you that very December but now I’m not sure what I felt for you.
You made me feel beautiful. You promised me tomorrow and the future and that we will always be. I was scared and had fears but you held me and made me feel safe. I guess I truly loved you and gave you my all but nowadays I constantly wonder did you love me as well.
Wildest Dreams – Taylor Swift(1989)